F, Marry, Kill - 1980's TV Style

For those of you who don't know, the F*ck, Marry, Kill game involves picking three people...then you have to decide which of those three you'd like to have sex with for one night, which one you'd like to marry, and which one you'd have to kill. These types of conversations usually happen over a night of drinking, long car drives, or just killing time. Anyway, I figured I'd play this game for you pop culture style, involving some of the popular TV shows of the 1980's. Let's do it...


***DISCLAIMER*** I am happily married so all of the below is strictly for hypothetical aka "having to make a decision with a gun to my head" purposes only.

1.) Family Ties




The Options: Tina Yothers (Jennifer), Justine Bateman (Mallory), Meredith Baxter Birney (the mother)

Analysis: I would definitely kill Jennifer probably because she was underage for most of the show's run and she went to Goth for me when the show ended. How can you pass up Justine Bateman in her prime for a one night stand? I would have to marry Meredith Baxter Birney because she seemed like she kept the house in good order, was a good cook, and seemed to be sexually active into her 40's when she accidentally got knocked up and gave birth to little Andrew.

2.) The Facts Of Life




The Options: Jo, Blair, and Tootie

Analysis: I left Natalie out of the conversation because she just didn't do it for me. Anyway, I'd probably bang Blair just because she always seemed a little uptight and all she needed was a good rogering (that's what we call it in England). The next is tough, because Jo, though attractive, seems to be a bit of a tomboy. I'd go out on a limb here and kill Jo and marry Tootie. I can't imagine someone named Tootie Hungerford in any other alternate reality in this one.



3.) Just The Ten Of Us




The Options: Cindy (the red head), Wendy (the blond), Marie (the nun)



Analysis: I left the ultra annoying sister off the list, Connie, because she's just annoying. I would probably bed Cindy the redhead since she was the most attractive on the show (and she had big cans). I'd have to kill Wendy since she was definitely stuck up and I don't like that. I'd marry Marie because how cool would it be to get a nun to marry you. That means you have more power than God. Plus Marie was played by Heather Langenkamp, better known as Nancy in the Nightmare On Elm Street movies, who was very underrated (check out that azz in the above photo!).



4.) Too Close For Comfort




The Options: Muriel (the Mom), Jennifer (the blond sister), Jessica (the brunette sister)

Analysis: Not a well known show but nothing beat Ted Knight's character rolling over the sofa in the opening credits...that one got me every time. Anyway, this is an easy one to kill...Muriel the Mom would have to go. As for the one night stand, I'd probably go with Jennifer the blond sister though she enjoyed wearing lots of sweaters and sweat shirts. I'd marry the brunette sister Jessica since she seemed the smarted of the two and would have a more lucrative career supporting our family as I pursued my dream career in race car driving.



5.) Golden Girls



The Options: Blanche, Rose, Dorothy


Analysis: This is a tough one...I'd have to F' Blanche simply based on her being the youngest and at least still had some fire in her loins. She was pretty horny on the show too...though I'd still need to drink a half a bottle of Jameson before I'd go through with it. I'd have to kill Dorothy because she always seemed miserable and would probably drive me crazy. That leaves Rose as my wife who would probably die soon after our wedding anyway, leaving me that nice home they all lived in.

6.) Blossom:




The Options: Blossom, Six, the British Stepmom

Analysis: Slightly tricky because all three are doable but I'd have to knock off Blossom since she was too much of a flower child for me. I could never be related to her goofy brother Joey either. I always thought Six was one of the hottest TV characters at the time so I would nail her. Since I'm a quarter british, I'd marry the British Stepmom who could take me around England and bring me to the best Fish and Chips restaurants....yum.

7.) Little House on The Prairie

The Options: Caroline "Ma" Ingalls, Laura Ingalls (younger sister), Mary Ingalls (older sister who went blind)

Analysis: Another tricky one...I'd probably kill Laura since she was one of the most unattractive characters ever on TV but eventually grew into the fox of Melissa Gilbert. I'd have to bang Mary but before she went blind...then again, being with a blind girl would be interesting. Lastly, I'd marry Caroline, the Mom, since she would be able to cook and clean without any electricity. Just keep the morphine away from me (anyone remember that crazy episode with Albert OD'ing?)

8.) The Cosby Show

The Options: Clair Huxtable (the mom), Vanessa Huxtable(middle sister), Denise Huxtable (older sister)



Analysis: Vanessa, you're out of here. You were always whiny and that short haircut you had for most of the series did you no favors. Clair, I admire your sense of humor, good family values, and your nice smile so I think I'd marry you (it would you divorcing that hack of a NBA sideline reporter Ahmad Rashaad though). Come here Denise, I already saw you naked in that really weird movie "Angel Heart"...hopefully Lenny Kravitz won't get too depressed and write another terrible song like "Can't Get You Off Of My Mind".

Top 10 Wacky Advertising Characters

Kids are very impressionable. I know this for a fact because I was probably the most impressionable kid ever (and still am to a certain degree...some call that being naive though). Anyway, big corporations know this so they create these friendly looking fictional characters to help promote their products. There are a handful that I remember from back in the day. Here are my top 10.

10.) Trix Rabbit

Poor Trix rabbit, all he wanted was a scoop of Trix and he'd be happy. Instead, he'd be denied by obnoxious stuck up kids. The Trix rabbit tried to use every disguise but it never seemed to work. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Who said discrimination can't extend to cereals?





9.) The Snuggle Bear

More like a Teddy Ruxpin knockoff, the snuggle bear just made me think of soft clothes despite his herky jerk movements on commercials. He made so much of an impression on me as a kid, that a few times in college I washed my clothes entirely in Snuggle...I thought Snuggle was a detergent and not a fabric softener. They smelled great despite the dirt and vomit stains that were still there.



8.) Kool-Aid Man

I don't remember much about the Kool-Aid Man except he liked to run through walls and his vocabulary was primarily limited to saying "Oh yeah!!!". I think this would make a great Halloween costume.



7.) Tony The Tiger

If you look back, I did a blog on my all time favorite cereals so I wanted to limit the number of cereal characters but who deny the goodness of Tony the Tiger. Of course, I HATED this cereal because it was coated in pure sugar and looked more white than the brown flakes it was supposed to be in. Still, Tony ever being the pitchman kept saying just how greeeeeeat they really were. The below commercial show just how well someone can play hockey after having 10 spoonfuls of sugar.




6.) The Pink Panther (insulation)



This one REALLY fooled me. I mean, every kid knew who the Pink Panther was. So why in God's name would you use him to promote something that looks EXACTLY like cotton candy. I never did it, but I can't imagine how many kids put that glass infested insulation into their mouths because the Pink Panther would NEVER do anything to harm a child. I'm serious here....how did this get past the marketing department?

5.) The bugs that die every time in the Raid commercial.

I used to love these commercials. You have the bugs dressed up like burglars causing havoc on people's homes and then you see the giant spray bottle and comes their death scream of "RAAAAIID!!!!". If anything, these commercials made me think that any bugs I saw in my parent's house were just hanging out.



4.) The two dancing bears wiping their asses in that toilet paper commercial.

Okay, so this one isn't that old but I laugh out loud everytime I see those dancing bears wiping their asses with the roll of toilet paper. Good stuff here.



3.) Crazy Eddie

The only somewhat REAL person used for the advertising purposes. Before Best Buy and even The Wiz, there was Crazy Eddie's. The spokesman, Crazy Eddie, was this guy who would literally shout at you the entire commercial telling you about how "insane" his deals were. There was some kind of controversy about the owner of the Crazy Eddie stores and the guy in the ads but who cares? I just loved this guy.



2.) Crimedog McGruff

He was featured more as a cartoon character telling kids how to be safe but anyone reading this who graduated from the West Islip public school system will always remember him as the puppet that the sex ed teacher would use in elementary school. Once I learned about what a scrotum was and the difference between the vulva and the mon pubis, this lady would whip out ol Crime Dog McGruff to sing about not letting strangers tough you there. I can't make this up.



1.) Smokey The Bear

"Only you can prevent forest fires, only YOU". Those words came from the menacing voice of Smokey The Bear. Folks, I give you the scariest commercial of all time. Just wait until the end.

MJ

Q: What did St. Peter say to Michael Jackson when he reached the Pearly Gates?
A: "Beat It"

In 1982, Michael was singing "Billie Jean"
In 2003, Michael was sniffing Billy's jeans.

Ah yes, and so the great Michael Jackson has left us and the whole world is still reeling over it. I read in Billboard today that he's poised to have a bunch of of his old albums reach the top 20 again. There have been tons of reports and remembrances of good ol' MJ and to try and avoid falling into that trap, I'm going to do a top 11 list of "my favorite underrated (mostly) Michael Jackson songs". Underrated is a tough word here because most of his songs were huge hits but I'm going to avoid the usual "Billie Jean" and "Thriller" here.

11.) "Say Say Say" (from Paul McCartney's "Pipes Of Peace") - MJ and Macca did two duets together but the one that landed on Thriller was the by far worst of the two "The Girl Is Mine". This is by far the better of two songs with a great bridge ("youuuuu never ever worry and you never shed a tear"). Their voices blend well together and the end of the song is drawn out nicely too. The video is a little creepy though in that Michael and his sister Latoya seem to be playing boyfriend/girlfriend in it.



10.) "The Lady In My Life" (from Thriller) - The last song on the Thriller album, its the one that gets the least amount of playing time. However, the intro got a ton of airplay when LL Cool J sampled it for his "Hey Lover" song. A great smooth jam with some excellent MJ vocals at the end.

9.) "Never Can Say Goodbye" (Jackson 5 era) - This song starts off with a few harmonies from his brothers and then you hear the sweet sound of young Michael. A neat little song that was a little complex for its time. It has a great chorus though. Love the dancing here too.



8.) "Dirty Diana" (Bad album) - Not exactly an underrated song since it was a number one hit. I just love the vocals and guitar in this song. The guitar part is played by Steve Stevens (awesome name by the way) who was the guitar player for Billy Idol. I can't understand what Michael is saying at the end and I love his screaming "c'mon!!!". I can't tell if this song was really recorded live in concert but if it was, I'd would have loved to have been able to see him. I used think that it was a girl playing the guitar oddly enough.



7.) "Can You Feel It" (The Jacksons Era) - This is an underrated part of MJ's career. You hear a lot of songs from the Jackson 5 era when he was a boy and then his solo stuff when he's in his 20's. Between this era came the Jacksons and this was probably the best song they had at this time (though "Blame It On The Boogie" and "Shake Your Body Down To The Ground" are pretty good too). I used to PUMP this song getting ready for the weekends back in my Boston days. Great intro and use of an orchestra here. The below video is way out there though...



6.) "Off The Wall" (from Off The Wall) - You can have your "Rock With You" and "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough...I'll take this song over those any day. Cool beginning, great bass line, and an awesome chorus with some great ad libs by the maestro himself (gotta love the "shake that thing" line). Below is a live video taken from the 1988 Bad tour, the last tour I think he sung everything totally live.



5.) "Another Part Of Me" (from Bad) - Michael loves the synthesizers here and who can blame him when he put them to good use like on this song. The intro sort of sounds like "Dirty Diana" but goes into this uptempo song that should have been another hit on the Bad album. Another "angry Michael" song.



4.) "Dancing Machine" (Jackson 5 era) - This is the first song you can start to hear MJ's voice drop from his little boy voice to the adult voice. A good dance song with some great harmonies at the end and I just love the "she's dance dance dance dance dancing machine" part at the end. The below video shows just how good MJ would become. Check out the spinning and singing at the same time around the :50 mark.



3.) "Torture" (from The Jacksons era) - An EXTREMELY underrated song, the last hit The Jacksons had together as a family and one of the scariest videos (see below) I remember as a kid. The whole song is scary sounding and that whip crack after they sing the line "its tortuuuure" is dark too. This kept MJ's fans occupied between the Thriller and Bad album.



2.) "Human Nature" (from Thriller) - An almost perfect song that has been sampled by other artists, it features probably the coolest synthesizer line and MJ's finest high pitch vocal (the "whyyyyyyyyy oh whyyyyyy") part. Some of his best lyrics ever. Random fact: the band Toto played the instrument parts on this song. Another perfect live version of this song.



1.) "Smooth Criminal" (from Bad) - This pulls everything together...the heavy breathing intro, the driving beat, the "Shooka Shooka" line at the beginning, the awesome instrumental breakdown in the middle. Not only is this is the perfect song but the video for this song takes it to a complete new level...my all time favorite music video. If I could dance like he does for more than 3 seconds in this video, I'd be very happy.