Monday, July 6, 2009

F, Marry, Kill - 1980's TV Style

For those of you who don't know, the F*ck, Marry, Kill game involves picking three people...then you have to decide which of those three you'd like to have sex with for one night, which one you'd like to marry, and which one you'd have to kill. These types of conversations usually happen over a night of drinking, long car drives, or just killing time. Anyway, I figured I'd play this game for you pop culture style, involving some of the popular TV shows of the 1980's. Let's do it...

***DISCLAIMER*** I am happily married so all of the below is strictly for hypothetical aka "having to make a decision with a gun to my head" purposes only.

1.) Family Ties

The Options: Tina Yothers (Jennifer), Justine Bateman (Mallory), Meredith Baxter Birney (the mother)

Analysis: I would definitely kill Jennifer probably because she was underage for most of the show's run and she went to Goth for me when the show ended. How can you pass up Justine Bateman in her prime for a one night stand? I would have to marry Meredith Baxter Birney because she seemed like she kept the house in good order, was a good cook, and seemed to be sexually active into her 40's when she accidentally got knocked up and gave birth to little Andrew.

2.) The Facts Of Life

The Options: Jo, Blair, and Tootie

Analysis: I left Natalie out of the conversation because she just didn't do it for me. Anyway, I'd probably bang Blair just because she always seemed a little uptight and all she needed was a good rogering (that's what we call it in England). The next is tough, because Jo, though attractive, seems to be a bit of a tomboy. I'd go out on a limb here and kill Jo and marry Tootie. I can't imagine someone named Tootie Hungerford in any other alternate reality in this one.

3.) Just The Ten Of Us

The Options: Cindy (the red head), Wendy (the blond), Marie (the nun)

Analysis: I left the ultra annoying sister off the list, Connie, because she's just annoying. I would probably bed Cindy the redhead since she was the most attractive on the show (and she had big cans). I'd have to kill Wendy since she was definitely stuck up and I don't like that. I'd marry Marie because how cool would it be to get a nun to marry you. That means you have more power than God. Plus Marie was played by Heather Langenkamp, better known as Nancy in the Nightmare On Elm Street movies, who was very underrated (check out that azz in the above photo!).

4.) Too Close For Comfort

The Options: Muriel (the Mom), Jennifer (the blond sister), Jessica (the brunette sister)

Analysis: Not a well known show but nothing beat Ted Knight's character rolling over the sofa in the opening credits...that one got me every time. Anyway, this is an easy one to kill...Muriel the Mom would have to go. As for the one night stand, I'd probably go with Jennifer the blond sister though she enjoyed wearing lots of sweaters and sweat shirts. I'd marry the brunette sister Jessica since she seemed the smarted of the two and would have a more lucrative career supporting our family as I pursued my dream career in race car driving.

5.) Golden Girls

The Options: Blanche, Rose, Dorothy

Analysis: This is a tough one...I'd have to F' Blanche simply based on her being the youngest and at least still had some fire in her loins. She was pretty horny on the show too...though I'd still need to drink a half a bottle of Jameson before I'd go through with it. I'd have to kill Dorothy because she always seemed miserable and would probably drive me crazy. That leaves Rose as my wife who would probably die soon after our wedding anyway, leaving me that nice home they all lived in.

6.) Blossom:

The Options: Blossom, Six, the British Stepmom

Analysis: Slightly tricky because all three are doable but I'd have to knock off Blossom since she was too much of a flower child for me. I could never be related to her goofy brother Joey either. I always thought Six was one of the hottest TV characters at the time so I would nail her. Since I'm a quarter british, I'd marry the British Stepmom who could take me around England and bring me to the best Fish and Chips restaurants....yum.

7.) Little House on The Prairie

The Options: Caroline "Ma" Ingalls, Laura Ingalls (younger sister), Mary Ingalls (older sister who went blind)

Analysis: Another tricky one...I'd probably kill Laura since she was one of the most unattractive characters ever on TV but eventually grew into the fox of Melissa Gilbert. I'd have to bang Mary but before she went blind...then again, being with a blind girl would be interesting. Lastly, I'd marry Caroline, the Mom, since she would be able to cook and clean without any electricity. Just keep the morphine away from me (anyone remember that crazy episode with Albert OD'ing?)

8.) The Cosby Show

The Options: Clair Huxtable (the mom), Vanessa Huxtable(middle sister), Denise Huxtable (older sister)

Analysis: Vanessa, you're out of here. You were always whiny and that short haircut you had for most of the series did you no favors. Clair, I admire your sense of humor, good family values, and your nice smile so I think I'd marry you (it would you divorcing that hack of a NBA sideline reporter Ahmad Rashaad though). Come here Denise, I already saw you naked in that really weird movie "Angel Heart"...hopefully Lenny Kravitz won't get too depressed and write another terrible song like "Can't Get You Off Of My Mind".

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