And Finally....Best Picture

Here's Tom Cruise to present the final award of the night. Unlike last year where thye strangely played the final speech from "The King's Speech" over clips of all of the other nominees, they let each picture get its own moment.

Odds are the Artist wins it and the only question is...does Ugi the dog appear?

And the Aritst wins...and Ugi is there! Lots of French people swarm the stage as Ugi just stares off at the side of the stage. I like how the director of the movie is nailing the lead actress...good for you!

And that is it! Not the most exciting Oscars in recent memory mainly because of some pretty predictable winners. At least Meryl Streep won.

Alright, I'm out....but I'll leave the last word to the immortal John Rambo.

Best Actress

Here's Colin Firth to read a teleprompter and wax poetic about the best actress nominees. Glenn Close's character looks very freaky...Viola Davis looks very different from when I saw the movie "Doubt", probably because her hair is usually blown out and not the short buzz cut she has now...Rooney Mara, who looks terrible tonight in my opinion, is happy to be there...Meryl Streep, who's taken her glasses off, laughs as Colin recalls their fun times in Mamma Mia. I'll always remember her in such classics as "Death Becomes Her"...Michelle Williams has quietly become one of today's better actresses, hopefully she's win an Oscar someday.

But tonight is Meryl Streep's night. The movie she was in was terrible apparently but damn, did she not look like Margaret Thatcher in any footage or pictures you saw? Good for her...she's been around for a long time and made me break down and cry when I saw "Kramer vs. Kramer" when I was but a 13 year old lad...don't watch that movie alone.

Best Actor

We open with Precious talking about movies...hmmmm, we haven't seen much of her lately (Tower Heist I think was her only movie). Nice to see Ed Norton and Robert Downey Jr reunite for the first time since "The Score". Skinny Jonah Hill appears as well as Patton Oswalt who's is a great movie called "Big Fan" that I highly recommend. Again, more time wasting...and Billy laughs at his own joke yet again.

Now we get to the big ones. Best Actor is up first and Natalie Portman steps up and gives goofy shout outs to all of the nominees. She looks awkward trying to avoid reading the teleprompter while trying to look at him at the same time....I love it.

Sadly, I didn't see any of these movies except for Moneyball but I'm intrigued by the Clooney movie. The Artist guy will probably win here but hopefully Brad or George can pull off the upset. In a nice touch, Natalie gets to give props to Gary Oldman since he was in her first major movie "The Professional", another movie I recommend. I love Gary Oldman.

The crowd would love to see George or Brad win but...Sacre Bleu!...its the French guy from The Artist. I'll admit he's very charming but then again so was Roberto Benigni and he faded to obscurity shortly after winning. Whoa, we get some shouting in French and then he's gone.

Two awards left...time to strike up the band.

In Memoriam...

Somber music plays as we look at those who’ve died over the past 365 days.

Billy gives a shout out to Gil Cates, a producer of the Oscars, but now we get to the good stuff. Let’s see who died…

Hmmm, we have a good balance from all of the nominated categories. I only recognized a few:
Whitney Houston
Columbo
The original Uncle Ben from the Spiderman trilogy,
Steve Jobs
Jackie Cooper (though I remember him more from the 80’s Taco song “Putting On The Ritz”)
and bringing up the rear Elizabeth Taylor.

Oops, Taco was singing about Gary Cooper…oh well still a great terrible song.

Best Director and something called the Governors Awards

Time for the first of the “Big 4” awards and its “Best Director”. Michael Douglas appears and he still seems thin from his cancer battle…but while his body lost weight, his head did not, making it look oddly proportionate to the rest of him.

Anyway, we go through these movies and it seems the Artist will win here but Scorcese has a shot. And the winner is…The Artist…yay. In a heavy French accent, he thanks a bunch of people as well as Uggi, the dog in the movie. He goes on a bit too long but doesn’t get played off.

Now we move onto something called the Governors awards and Meryl Streep, who still looks great in her early 60’s, gets to introduce the winners. Uh-oh, looks like an Oprah citing here. I love James Earl Jones, I like the shout out to his roles in Lion King and Star Wars but they forget this performance in the original “Conan The Barbarian” when he played Thulsa Doom…c’mon.

As they approach the stage, they get a standing ovation while some 80’s video game sounding music plays in the background. I guess that’s it. No speeches for them.

Stretch time!!!!

Technical Awards and some Documentaries

Milla Jovavich gets her first Oscar invite...and it’s to present all the third and fourth rate technical awards. That must be her punishment for making all of the awful "Resident Evil" movies.

Now hopefully some comedy with the Bridesmaids cast. Kristin Wig is so good at looking spectacularly sexy or plainly bad. I guess that's the beauty of her ability to hide into any role. Some lewd humor by her and Maya Rudolph lead to the short documentary. The Oscar goes to a movie called "The Shore". Sadly, its not accepted by Paulie D, J-Wow, or The Situation, but instead by a frumpy looking couple...oops she's actually the guy's daughter. Sorry about that.

Now we go the Documentary Short Subject and Melissa McCarthy do a gag about Martin Scorcese which seems to frighten him when they chug a nip of vodka. Anyway, the winners are for a film called “Saving Face”. Blah blah, thank you very much.

Now to the animated short film and a film way too long for me to name wins. Two guys come up on stage to accept the award, one with a cool hat. They seem very peppy but the show is hitting a lull. We’re in the home stretch now at least.

Going back to Maya Rudolph…did you know her mother sang this terrible song?

Best Original Screenplay

Now onto the Best Original Screenplay. Surprisingly Woody Allen wins but is a no show. He apparently hates awards shows.

Before we go to commercial we get into another set of interview clips about how movies impact actors lives. Reese Witherspoon gives a shout out to “Overboard” which is nice.

Classic Commercial time…listen to that catchy jingle.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Billy stumbles over a tattoo joke regarding Angelina Jolie who comes out on stage and sticks her leg out. Angelina still looks good but I give her five more years before the cracks appear ala Cameron Diaz. We’re slowly getting into the major awards with “Adapted Screenplay”. This is a weird category since you already have material to work with, you just have to rewrite it for the screen. I rewrote one of my college roommate’s poly-science paper where he originally got a B+ and turned it into an A- for another college roommate…and I know nothing about poly-science. Therefore I don’t give any of these guys much credit. But is that Moby on the right?

As always, one guy dominates the talking time.

Best Song

Will Ferrall and Zach Galifinakis arrive to present the Best Song. Note there are only two songs and they’re both from the Muppets. God damn, are there no other songs from movies? Where’s the “Footloose”, the “Highway To The Danger Zone”, and “I’m Alright”…Christ Kenny Loggins made a CAREER out of making songs from the movies.

A song “Man Or Muppet” wins the award and talks about Kermit The Frog. Why waste the precious time you have on stage and talk about Kermit? C’mon bearded guy.

Here’s my favorite movie song of all time…the voice, the hair, the gritted teeth. Folks, Peter Cetera from the Karate Kid Part II. Not tournament Daniel...THIS IS REAL.

Best Score

Hey it’s Owen Wilson…and he looks clean and not suicidal. Good to see him reading from a teleprompter again. He’s with Penelope Cruz to announce “Best Score”. Will the regal themes of John Williams beat out the old school jazz themes of “The Artist” and more modern themes of “Hugo” and “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”? I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT…

And it’s The Artist and its jazz hands themes that wins. Somewhere on iTunes, the soundtrack jumped from being the 785th most popular album of the week to 693rd. Nice job guy. He begs for 10 more seconds and then he almost quotes a song “I have so much love to give”.

Billy Bombs

Billy returns to a bit about how he know what they're thinking. Ugh, Billy drops a few bombs on Pitt, Angelina, Morgan Freeman, and Clooney. The Viola Davis joke is okay as trashes Tyler Perry. Then he drops even lower doing a dumb bit with Scorcese and makes fun of poor Nick Nolte. Then its that dog.

Here's the "State Of The Union Address" by the Academy Chairman. Wow, that was short. He could have gone on there for awhile...impressive. Billy gets a decent jone in there at the end but he holds this smug look on his face for too long.

Best Supporting Actor

Here’s Melissa Leo to give an award to Christopher Plummer aka “Best Suporting Actor”. It was a good year for Kenneth Branagh being nominated and for directing “Thor”. When did Nick Nolte come back again? …and he’s 74 years old? Was 48 Hours that long ago? Max Von Sydow looks exactly the same he did in the Exorcist

And to no one’s surprise its Christopher Plummer who wins. Not bad for an 82 year old guy. I’ll always remember him as the bad guy in Star Trek VI (see an earlier post I dedicated to him for that role). Hmmm..he’s starting to almost ramble now…”Lupit and his wife Bertha”? Stay on course Christopher. His wife looks like she’s holding up better than the wife of the art direction couple earlier….nice job there Mr. Plummer.

Here's MAx Von Sydow...almost 40 years ago. He aged well!!!

Best Visual Effects

And we return to Billy Crystal being seduced by Melissa McCarthy ending with a quickie between them in the dressing room…ugh there’s an image.

Anyway, I love Emma Stone…she seems so happy to be there. Hah, she’s great here and almost makes Ben Stiller look bad. Ben Stiller always seems to present for these second rate awards. Anyway, here’s best “Visual Effects”. Yes…”Real Steel”! I loved the Planet Of The Apes movie and hated Transformers. Michael Bay destroyed my childhood. Anyway, none of those movies wins as “Hugo” and its giant train wins again.

Do all of these Hugo winners want to sleep with Martin Scorcese? Talk about kissing ass. Oops, the first guy spoke for too long and ruined the lifelong dream for the other two guys up there with him.

Chris Rock and Animation

Chris Rock riffs on how easy it is to animate films compared to stripping wood and working for UPS. I miss Chris Rock, its too bad they haven’t brought him back since he hosted but I think actors fear him.

I didn’t see any of the movies but Rango wins. All I know about this is that Johnny Depp did the main voice and Gore Verbinski has made real movies before. I like the name of one of the guys he thanked…Hal Hickel. That’s a funny name.

Since we’ve seen the best circus act, let’s take a look at one of the worst.

Best Documentary

And we’re back…and its…er, The Muppets. Is there anyone more annoying and nagging as Miss Piggy? Poor Kermit, to be saddled with her after all these years. Anyway, they introduce Cirque Du Soliel who dance and trapeze around the audience. I’d love to see this end with Sacha Baron Cohen being one of the trapeze artists except he’s naked and lands on spread eagle on George Clooney’s face ala what he did to Eminem a few years back.

The Oscars are losing me here…though my wife throws in the “they are in complete control of their bodies…did you see that guy?” comment which makes me want to become anorexic and run a marathon but I’m too busy taking a sip of my second diet pepsi and whipped cream flavored vodka. Anyway, they get a standing o and Billy just claps and nods to random people in the audience.

Billy making some elderly jokes now….flomax…people wandering off…nice Billy.

Here’s Gwynth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. doing a bit about making a documentary about presenting. Only Downey could pull this up. Hey, did anybody see Contagion where Gwynth dies? Neither did I. I now get the connection with them presenting “Best Documentray”. I hope the Paradise Lost one wins…only because Eddie Vedder loves them…and who doesn’t love what Eddie Vedder doesn’t love?

Instead, “Undefeated” wins and we get a bunch of guys to accept the award. The guy with the glasses on the left must be so pissed that the two other guys took all the speaking time as well as probably most of the women when they hit the bars. Hah, they cut the mic....sucka.

"Best In Show" Troop and Three Crappy Awards

And we’re back…but not before we heard the “SOMEBODY LET THE GATE OPEEEEEENNNN” commercial for the 1,001st time.

Billy makes a semi-racist joke about no black people living in Beverly Hills (c’mon, I’m sure Morgan Freeman lives nearby). But he quickly moves on to “the first focus” group which is actually the cast from “Best In Show” and “A Mighty Wind”. I love these guys and their abstract comments. I like that Stifler’s Mom and Jim’s Dad from American Pie is a part of this. This makes me want to watch “Best In Show” right now. Billy Crystal thanks everyone who’s helped out in these bits so far in “my opening film”. Does Billy Crystal write movies now? Then again I think he wrote “Mr. Saturday Night” so who knows.

Here’s Bradley Cooper and Tina Fey presenting “Best Editing”. “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” gets the win and I yawn. I like the name of one of the winner… “Kirk Baxter”…very strong porn sounding name. They really don’t have anything to say. I liked that.

Now some “Sound Editing”. Hugo wins its third award. Somebody gets thanked for their “infammathable” work ethic. I don’t think that’s a word as my spell checker keeps trying to replace it with “inflammable”.

Ugh, now “Sound Mixing”. Not sure how this is a major award but if Transformers wins they can think Shai Lebouf’s endless shrieking in that movie. We luck out as Hugo and its huge train wins again. Yes, a grown man gently weeping. He looks like NBS broadcaster Tom Hammond.

Time for a lesson on nuts...taken from "Best In Show"

Best Supporting Actress

Here’s Christian Bale and I love Billy Crystal’s joke about not getting in his sightline. I love Bale, he’s in one of my top 10 movies of all time “American Psycho”.

Here’s the Best Supporting Actress award and to no huge surprise its Octavia Spencer, the lady from “The Help”. She gets a nice standing ovation but I’m not sure why. Here comes the tears…DON’T TRY AND TALK WHILE YOU’RE CRYING!!!

Christian Bale politefully gets her off the stage without incident. Too bad he didn’t go off on her like this….

Best Foreign Film

Sandra Bullock gets the short straw and has to do a schpiel on Foreign Language films. Hey, Canada is eligible for a foreign film? Then why wasn’t “Strange Brew” ever a winner. My wife is pulling for the movie from Iran, “A Separation”….and she is pleased as it wins. She tells me it’s a sad story so I’ll take her word for it.

The guy accepting the award has thick accent and reads from a slightly worn piece of paper. Speilberg looks on angrily as does Max Von Sydow? Oh wait, he’s talking about all cultures working together so everyone is happy.

Best Makeup...and another montage.

Here’s the makeup award.

Yes! Glenn Close talking about being a weird looking man…Albert Nobbs. I’ll miss Harry Potter movies just so you don’t here British people pronounce words like “potter” (poh-tah).

J-Lo and Cameron do some weird “hey! We’re still hot!” move before saying “The Iron Lady” wins. The people who win were in the last row…I guess we know what the Academy thinks of makeup people. Meryl Streep looks pleased as does a quick shot of Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith.

Hmmmm…now we get a montage of some actors talking about their first movies. Tom Cruise for the first time, looks a little strange. I think my first movie was Das Boot…I had no idea they were on a submarine. I don’t recommend ever having your kids watch that movie before the age of 10.

Commercial time…RockAPella!

Best Costume Design

Billy is up in back of the theater doing some rap on watching movies the old fashioned way which leads to the first montage. Not sure what the theme is but it includes a shot of “Twilight”. Other cool movies are “Jaws”, “Ghost”, “Planes Trains and Automobiles”, “Cape Fear”, “Godfather”, “The Exorcist”, “Star Wars”, “ET”, “Raging Bull”, “The Natural”, and of course “When Harry Met Sally”.

Ok now…WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT MONTAGE?!? What a friggin waste of time.

Anyway, now onto to two actresses who will most likely never win an Oscar and will probably hit the wall in 10 years…J-Lo and Cameron Diaz. Cameron’s makeup is getting thicker and thicker every year.

They’re here to present best Costume Design. I love the silly snippets of interviews during the presentation of nominees. The Artist wins and some guy rocking a beard makes a speech thanking a bunch of people.

And So It Begins...

8:30 – And We Are Underway…

And there’s no Billy Crystal to start but instead we get Morgan Freeman and his busted hand (note the black glove…that’s not sign of protest). Morgan sets up a look back at movies and of course Billy Crystal inserts himself into old films.

First up is that George Clooney movie and then we move onto Moneyball where they noddingly realize they have bad writers…then to the Woody Allen movie where Bieber tries to generate the 18-25 demo. To “The Help” with the shit pie to Bridesmaids.

Here’s not there but they got Tom Cruise for a clever cameo and some weird makeup for that Adventures of Tin Tin movie…which as Crystal states, was lucky to be nominated.

Folks, here is Billy Crystal. Best known to people over 50 as that guy from Saturday Night Live, to people over 40 that guy from “White Nights” with Gregory Hines (featuring a rocking soundtrack from Michael McDonald…see below), and for those over 30 the guy from “City Slickers”. For those under 30, he is sadly known for that terrible movie “Mr. Saturday Night” and not much else.

Billy’s doing his schick from the past singing about the nominated movies. Some highlights from it…Martin Scorsese’s fake “bust up” laughing, Clooney looking very confused, and Viola Davis putting on a nervous smile. Billy is a little flat on his last note.

When he’s done, Hollywood claps like its seeing its senile old Grandpa try and show his family he can do the Macarena.

Now it’s onto Tom Hanks and he introduces a seat filler who looks like Mickey Rooney. First award is for Cinematography and I can’t tell if its an upset or not but “Hugo” wins. Love the winner as it looks like he sits in the “Allman Brothers Band”. Quick speech too…that’s always good.

As for Art Direction aka set decoration, the Oscar goes to Hugo as well. Hmmm..are we off to an upset here? The Academy loves them some Marty Scorsese. Hah, a husband and wife team. My wife is perturbed he doesn’t help his wife up the steps…and OH MY GOD I CAN SEE WHY!!! Good lord, her face is sliding off her head!!!

Anyway, here’s some Michael McDonald…pump it.

Updates

Welcome to the 2012 Oscars. I plan on having a few drinks to liven up the show for me personally.

Updates will occur throughout the show and there will be at least one every commercial break.

My lock of the night is Jonah Hill for best supporting actor in Moneyball. Bet the house on it.

I'm pouring my first Vodka and Diet Pepsi as we speak.

8pm Pre-Show Crap

Quick thoughts going in...

1.) That interviewer on ABC, Tim with the glasses, sounds like the biggest phony in the world. If I tried to talk to people and enunciate my words as well gesticulate my hands and arms like he does, I guarantee I'd have no friends who would take me seriously.

2.) Glenn Close is promoting a movie I've never heard of but has an awesome title..."Albert Nobbs"

3.) Nick Nolte is nearly deaf but we learned he owns two crows.

4.) Cameron Diaz beats out Jennifer Lopez and Penelope Cruz to win the "excuse me but why are you here at this years Oscars?" award.

5.) Does Stacy Kiebler speak? She gives Clooney nervous looks anytime she says something.

6.) My wife thinks Brad Pitt's hair is "disgusting", Sandra Bullock's dress is "awful", and that Emma Stone seems "very likeable"

15 minutes to go...

Highlight of the Pre-Show - Seacrest...PISSED!

I love Sacha Baron Cohen...did you know he has a new movie out called "The Dictator"? If he didn't before, then Ryan Seacrest sure does now...

Who Let The Gate Open?

I've seen this commercial a thousand times...I know you've seen it too. It for Citibank and it ends with a lady climbing a mountain. When she reaches the top a song explodes from the speakers..."SOMEBODY LET THE GATE OPEENNNN!!!". I've had this song in my head from time to time and its a running joke between my wife and I.

Having a slightly addictive personality, I want something when I remotely like it. For some reason, this song is NOT on Itunes...but it is on Youtube. Folks I give you the "Somebody Let The Gate Open" song. Just fast forward to the 0:41 second mark.

Why post this during the Oscars? I've seen this commercial twice so far in the preshow.

Christopher Plummer Cries Havok

Christopher Plummer is a HUUUGE favorite to win Best Supporting Actor tonight. Its for a performance in a movie I can't name but he was good in it, played a gay man, and he's 82 years old...a great combo for Oscar.

No matter what though, he'll always be remember by me for the below role and his line at the o:31 mark.

2012 Oscars - Pre Broadcast Thoughts

Well its been nearly two months since I’ve done anything with this website so I figured why not come back with a bang and observe Hollywood’s biggest night? After all, you can’t beat pretentious stars, winners who give goofy shout outs to agents and their children, and of course someone deciding to dust off Billy Crystal to host. Billy Crystal performing to a generation of people who’ve never heard of him in the year 2012? It makes perfect sense to me.

I’ve done a running diary on the Oscars in the past and did a decent job of watching most of the major movies and performances that were nominated. This year…not so much. Out of the top 9 films nominated, I saw one…Moneyball…and I saw it two nights ago. Heck I didn’t even see Bridesmaids and I love dirty comedies. That being said, here’s one or two reasons why I didn’t get around to seeing the other eight nominated movies.

“The Artist” – A black and white silent film about the 1920’s? No thank you.

“The Descendants” – I sort of wanted to see this movie and almost made plans to see it last night. Instead I went to bar and grill in Long Beach and had a delicious meal instead.

“Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” – Can’t get into the 9/11 mood of this movie. That and it seemed to be BEGGING for some Oscar nominations. I like Tom Hanks in anything though.

“The Help” – My wife watched this a few weeks ago and loved it. I hear good things about it but it seems very racist and includes a pie made out of human excrement.

“Hugo” – This seems like a companion piece to “The Artist” in that it takes place 100 years ago(!). Also rated PG and I have a “I don’t watch PG movies” mantra that I’m firmly holding onto no matter what.

“Midnight In Paris” – Not a fan of Woody Allen…sorry.

“The Tree Of Life” – From the reviews I read it was a lot like Anna Nicole Smith in her prime. Beautiful to look at, but not much there. Also has a vague ending which is about right for Anna Nicole Smith.

“War Horse” – Another PG movie and this one about a horse. Sorry, I liked Seabiscuit but I can’t get into a movie that features long drawn out looks by a little boy at a slowly galloping horse.

Here are eight movies I saw instead that I would personally recommend.

X-Men First Class, Captain America, Thor, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, Taking Shelter, Horrible Bosses, Drive, and Drive Angry

Anyway, I’ll be back around 8:15pm to give some red carpet thoughts and then do updates throughout the broadcast.